hi. i'm back from australia. it wasn a good trip. but the place was cool.

hi. i'm back, thanks for greeting me the moment i arrived in Singapore with the 'warmest' welcome anyone could give. 'yar wat??'snapped good fren A. He's already the best. Fren B,C,D,E all ignored my calls.

hi i'm back from youth camp. to put it nicely, the camp was great. to frankly speak, it was the worse camp for me. i arrived to a bunch of pple who belonged to a different world. my dorm was the most happenin in the girl's level. ZiHui, ZhiQing stays here almost all day although they belong to the next room. EVERYONE is usually hanging out here. And i tried, but i failed to fit in. I stuck out like a sore thumb. i felt left out. i felt worse than left out. everyone can be laughing at zihui's joke one moment,the moment i open my mouth, there is awkward silence. i cant tell u how much i hate that. nor how much it really really hurts.

i felt like crying. but i couldn cry. i was too tired to cry. i distanced myself eventually. i sat alone during meals, rejecting company. i felt better. nobody was judging me for once. i could do wat i like, eat my meal in peace and perfect silence. i wondered wat happened to my heaven on earth, the place i grew up in. the people i grew up with. oh geez. i feel like crying again. but tears have somehow left me, to a faraway place. I did things before everyone else, i quickly ate and quickly dashed up to my room before anyone else did. i did wat i needed to do, and i left in a flash with my diary and bible in hand. i would escape to the lv2 'garden'. because that's the level the guy's dorms are. and the guys seriously wont care or even notice i'm there.

so most of my camp, esp at night,i escaped to that old wooden swing that creaks. the swing that belongs to the other girls in the daytime. It's a good place to sit and write my diary, and complain to someone who doesn judge. it feels good to sit there and pray and pray and pray and pray about everything and anything. The clock strikes twelve. it's midnight, already. for one and a half hours no one knew i was here. no one bothered to find me. one part of my hoped no one ever did. one part of me wished someone did. at least that would mean someone cares. i wanted to cry again. but again, i failed. i'm just so tired, so drained... i sat on the swing, swinging somehow to the rythmic creaking sound. God, wat happened? wat will happen? i asked.

i returned to my room. even in a distance, i can hear the laughter and the chatting voices. everyone is happy. that's good. i went in and nobody even looked up. i felt so awful, i felt like leaving immediately. Xiao Rong said, "who do you click with ar?" i couldn even answer properly. because i din noe either. i doubted everyone i tot i clicked with. maybe they're just being polite. all the time. i felt like a guest throughout the camp. and the others were a family. Bi'Na came for the night sermon, she looked trully happy to see me. i felt so warm because someone actually cares. or at least, appears to do, sincerely.

Wei Min and David turned up today. I was so happy. Wei Min held my hand and asked me how i was. Laughing, pinching my nose playfully. David ran to me and held my hand with his tiny hand. Calling me ying jie jie. I felt alot better. Looking after David is one tiring job, but it makes u feel so... happy. Later when me, chia yi and David were playing together, i finally felt included. for those moments. for those few moments. chia yi talked to me a bit. it felt good to hear someone talking to me properly. I felt i had a fren in the camp afterall. i had 3 in fact, chia yi, wei min and david.

Then the moments disappeared. i went back to being excluded. i felt even worse because i just tot i had 3 frenz. i din feel like smiling or talking or interacting with anybody. for the first time ever, i gave jie's comment a very very short response. she looked a little suprised. so was i. i was supposed to talk more than anyone else. i just din feel like it today. onwards. i left the camp alone. i din feel like talking to anyone. i met wen hao and zhi hao. and david and weimin. and xiaorong and chiayi. zhi hao talked to me a bit here and there. I felt that someone actually bothers to ask how i really am, so i talked to him. and wen hao. once again, he thwarts my plan to be alone. he has been doing that throughout camp in many many instances. but he is one guy that i can feel attempting to make me feel at home. he laughs at me, jokes with me, and is just so casual with me. i feel much more comfortable with him than with all the girls added together.

but still. i guess i really am a guest now. i miss my heaven on earth. perhaps it vanished. or i got banished from it somehow. without knowing. i wonder if my 3 frenz were imaginary. i wonder if i should leave for good. i feel sick. it feels terrible to want to cry but cant cry. it feels awful to know nobody in youth cares. or generally speaking, just no one cares.
Joyce at 6:31 PM

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